Emotion is one of my favourite topics to talk about! Why? Well, I believe that it is the root of the way we behave and interact with others. I’ve always been fascinated by the way people are and how they function in the world. I noticed at a young age that a lot of that was driven, consciously or unconsciously, by people’s emotions. It also helped that I was often labelled an “emotional” person growing up and therefore felt like I had a deeper understanding of emotion. That said, I am continually learning more about emotion and what role it plays in our lives.
Last year, I undertook my last semester of my Masters degree in which we were taught Process-Experiential Emotion-Focused Therapy (PEEFT – also referred to as Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT) outside of Australia). This therapeutic modality felt like baby bear’s bed, just right! It focuses, as you might guess, on emotion and really breaks down the different signs of different emotions and the most effective ways to respond to them therapeutically. Learning PEEFT took my understanding of emotion to a whole other level. The most significant piece of knowledge I learnt was understanding that emotions are information. Not good. Not bad. Not fact. Not fiction. Just information. Emotions tell us about ourselves. They indicate if there is a need that is being met or not met. Emotions are like an alarm for our needs, they signal that attention is needed in a certain area. For example, when we feel anger, it is a signal that an injustice has occurred, our boundaries have been violated in some way; when we feel sad, it is a signal that we have lost something we care deeply for; when we feel joy, it is a signal that we are experiencing something that pleases us and is something we find value in. From here, we can extrapolate what the underlying need is. For anger, if our boundaries have been violated, it is usually a need for safety and security, and maybe even respect. For sadness, it is generally a need for comfort and consolation. For joy, it signals that our need for security, love, and/or appreciation has been met.
For too long we have categorised emotions as ‘good’ or ‘bad’, ‘positive’ or ‘negative’. I have always disliked these terms when referring to emotions because I never believed that any emotion was bad or negative. It is what we DO with them that can be labelled ‘good’ or ‘bad’ (depending on your perspective, of course). Emotions are neutral. They are simply and most importantly, information that directs us to getting our needs met. I wonder what the world would be like if we were taught this at a young age? If children were taught to view their emotions as sources of information and not as defining characteristics of themselves. I wonder what influence that viewing emotions in this archaic way has had on our gender norms and relationship expectations?
Emotions are information in so many ways. Not only do they direct us to what needs we need to attend to but they can also direct us to the priority of that need. How? Well, I like to think that each emotion has their own spectrum. On each spectrum you have a variety of synonyms for that emotion, which points you to their intensity and therefore their priority level (the higher the intensity, the higher the priority to attend to the emotion). For example, on the anger spectrum we could have miffed, irritated, annoyed, disgruntled, irked, mad, infuriated, enraged, etc. Sadness might have miserable, depressed, melancholy, low, down, blue, etc. Joy might have euphoric, ecstatic, content, happy, satisfied, elated, etc. If we are able to recognise the general emotion we are feeling and then narrow it down to where on the spectrum it lies by using a synonym that accurately, the key here is accurately, reflects how we feel, then we are in a better position to meet our needs. Let’s say that the general emotion I am feeling is anger. Once I recognise this, I realise that I’m not just angry, I am enraged. If I am able to express to the other that I am enraged by what has happened their response would more likely meet the intensity of my anger than not. If I said I am miffed by what has happened, the other’s response is more likely to modulate itself to this lower intensity. In doing so, we come one step closer to getting our needs met by guiding others and ourselves to the ‘hotspots’ of the emotion.
Sometimes though, it can be hard to know what emotion we are feeling. Some of us aren’t as savvy about the emotions we are feeling. In fact, some of us might be a bit more disconnected to those emotions than we think. One of the best ways to recognise what emotion we are feeling is to take stock of our physical symptoms. Our bodies are great sources of information, too. What are we noticing in our body? I have come to realise that when I am angry my jaw and fists clench, my cheeks and ears feel fiery hot, my face scrunches up more and I talk through my teeth or raise my voice. When I am sad, tears well up in my eyes, I feel a choking sensation in the back of my throat, my eyes are downcast, I feel cold or just not hot/warm, and I don’t really feel connected to my core/stomach. When I am feeling joy, my eyes open wider than normal, I smile, I tend to bounce and clap, I feel warm but not the hot kind of heat that I feel when I am angry. I invite you to take some time to reflect what bodily symptoms occur when you’re feeling certain emotions. If you’ve ever done a depression, anxiety, stress, or anger questionnaire that they ask you questions about bodily symptoms, e.g., have you been feeling tense in your stomach? Have you had any headaches? Etc. This is because all of our aspects of self: physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual interrelate. Knowing the physical symptoms that you’re experiencing can help point you to the general emotion that you’re feeling and then with some self-reflection you will be able to locate where you are on the spectrum and understand what need you need met.
Emotions are incredible sources of information. They are neither good nor bad. We would benefit greatly from giving them their due space in our lives by listening to them and learning about ourselves and our needs from them.