We All Have a Default
We all have ways we respond when conflict or emotional needs show up in our relationships. Most of the time, we don’t even realise we’re doing it. We just default to these automatic, learned behaviours—what we call coping styles in therapy.
Whether you’re in therapy or just self-aware and curious, this is one of those things that can really shift the way you see yourself and your relationships.
Where It All Begins
Let’s take it back a bit—to when you were little. As infants and children, we all have emotional and personal needs that are meant to be met by our primary caregivers. And even in the best families, with the most loving parents, things can get missed. Life happens—mental illness, work demands, sibling dynamics, even big family changes like moving or divorce. None of this is about blame—it’s just about being human.
When a need like love, affection, or validation doesn’t get met consistently, we start to form beliefs about ourselves and the world. For example: “My feelings don’t matter,” or “I’m too much when I ask for love.” Over time, we don’t just believe those things—we start to block the need itself, because feeling that unmet need is painful. And then, to keep connection (because connection = survival), we develop coping styles.
The Three Main Coping Styles
Psychologist Karen Horney identified three typical ways we adapt:
- Moving towards people: people-pleasing
- Moving away from people: withdrawal or avoidance
- Moving against people: control or intimidation
1. Moving Towards – The People Pleaser
This was me. When I first learned about this in my therapy training, I did the quiz and was shocked at how strong this pattern was for me. The need underneath? Approval, safety, acceptance. People-pleasers tend to avoid disagreement, struggle to set boundaries, and put others’ needs ahead of their own—often to the point of burnout.
It can look virtuous: kind, peace-loving, generous. But overdone, it becomes self-erasure. And the thing is—when you never express your needs, other people can’t meet them either.
2. Moving Away – The Avoider
This style says, “I don’t need anyone.” It’s all about independence, self-sufficiency, and emotional withdrawal. People with this style often fear rejection and shame, and rather than face those feelings, they detach.
At its best, this style looks calm, refined, maybe even mysterious. But taken too far, it becomes lonely. Others can’t connect with someone who’s emotionally unavailable.
3. Moving Against – The Intimidator
This one is about control and dominance. It’s the assertive, competitive, take-charge energy—but it often covers a deep fear of needing others or feeling uncertain or vulnerable.
In healthy doses, it shows up as leadership and confidence. But in excess, it can be overbearing and even scary for others to be around.
Why This Matters
We all use all three coping styles to some degree. They’re not bad in themselves—they helped us survive. But the problem comes when one becomes our default and shows up everywhere, whether it fits or not.
Recognising your go-to style is a powerful first step. From there, it’s about gently expanding your repertoire. Asking: Where is this helping me? Where is it hurting me? What’s another way I could respond here?
I get it—it can be scary to let go of the style that’s kept you “safe” for so long. Sometimes it feels like letting go of part of your identity. But learning to use these styles more flexibly can open the door to deeper, healthier connections—and less inner tension.
A Final Reflection
You’re not broken for having a default. We all do. What matters is becoming aware of it and learning when to lean into it and when to try something new.
So maybe today, ask yourself: What’s my default dance? How do I respond when I feel unseen, unsafe, or disconnected?
And then ask: What’s one small shift I could try next time to meet the moment in a new way?
If this resonated with you, this is exactly the kind of thing we explore in my “How To Have Healthy Relationships” workshop. There’s real power in understanding the emotional roots of your patterns—and choosing something different.