Expectations are something we all have of ourselves, of others, and of the world. I’ve been wanting to unpack this topic for some time because I think that understanding where our expectations come from and their role in our lives, we can come to a deeper understanding of ourselves, others, and the world.
Reflecting on the different types of therapies I have encountered, I have come to conclude that expectations are just another word for our unconscious beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world. Cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) refers to them as “irrational beliefs” – the ‘shoulds’, ‘musts’ and ‘ought tos’. Existential therapy refers to them as “sedimented beliefs”. And, emotion-focused therapy (EFT) refers to them as “cherished beliefs”.
All our beliefs are influenced by a variety of factors: our experiences in the world, our relationships with important figures, our values that we have aligned ourselves with and/or that have been imparted on to us by others, and our culture & society. These beliefs then form into what we expect from ourselves, others, and the world. They sound something like, “I should never make a mistake”, Others should respect me”, “The world should be fair”, etc. You see the ‘shoulds’ there? Yeah, expectations.
I mention the unconsciousness of our beliefs and expectations because often we are not aware that this is what we believe, what we expect. There is nothing wrong with having expectations. I think it’s impossible to go about life not expecting or believing things, whether about ourselves, others or the world. That’s just not how humans operate. What I think is helpful for us is to be more consciously aware of our beliefs and expectations.
Often, when people talk about expectations, particularly them not being met, they say this:
“If you expect nothing, you’ll never be disappointed”. I cannot tell you how much I DISLIKE this statement SO MUCH!!! No. Just no.
My issue with this statement is twofold:
1️. It’s impossible to expect nothing. There are so many factors that’s it’s virtually impossible to NOT expect something, even if what you’re expecting is to be disappointed, hurt, ignored, etc. Often our expectations are ‘positively’ framed. For example: Bob should be happy about my promotion and therefore I expect to feel pleased, happy, excited, etc. But, if you’re used to being disappointed by Bob and his reactions (or lack thereof), you might say, I don’t expect anything from Bob, that way I can’t be disappointed. When in fact, what you’re actually saying is, “I expect Bob to be angry/indifferent/threatened by my promotion and therefore I expect to feel sad/disappointed/scared/angry, etc”. We just happen to have a tendency, sometimes, to phrase things with a positive valence than a negative valence and so we come to saying “expect nothing and I won’t be disappointed”. But that’s just not true. Our expectation has just shifted from a positive valence to a negative one.
2. This statement highlights a common difficulty we all have with bearing disappointment. Everyone talks about how feeling sad, hurt, rejected, even angry, is uncomfortable and not something we like to experience. Rarely do we speak about how discomforting disappointment is. Disappointment, in my opinion, is largely underestimated. It’s a painful feeling. It’s painful to feel disappointed in someone (including ourselves) and it’s painful knowing you have disappointed someone else. This statement gives the impression that we shouldn’t feel disappointment. Yet another expectation. But we are humans. We will experience disappointment. It’s natural. It’s to be expected. And it’s okay.
It’s okay to feel disappointed. It’s okay to be the person disappointing. We are not perfect. So, we will disappoint. And that IS okay. What’s not okay is trying to avoid the feeling. Avoiding feelings does not help us build our tolerance to them. It’s not emotionally healthy.
So, let’s scrap this statement from our speech: Let’s acknowledge that we will be disappointed. And, we will disappoint. Let’s work on building our tolerance to this uncomfortable emotion. Let’s work on managing disappointment. And let us let this change make us more compassionate people to those who disappoint us and to those we disappoint.
But how do we do that? I hear you ask.
Below are my steps to transforming expectations. Note, I use the word TRANSFORM because I do not believe in eliminating expectations or “lowering” them, which has negative connotations about the people involved. Also note that these steps do not need to occur in order. One step alone may be sufficient for your transformation.
1️. Reframe – sometimes we just need to change the language we use to communicate our expectations. Instead of using “shoulds”, “musts” and “ought tos”, we can use “would likes” and “prefer tos”.
2️. Readjust – sometimes our expectations match the story in our heads but not the story in our lives. We might need to readjust our expectations to more accurately align with our reality rather than the ideal that we would like to be true. It might be possible that the ideal could be reached if the expectations were more achievable first… 🤔
3️. Reform – for some reason, I find that most people’s expectations seem to be fixed. We seem to think that we can’t shift them or change them. But we can! Everything changes, even expectations. Let’s reform our idea about expectations as beliefs that are fixed into beliefs that can shift.
4️. Revise – as new situations occur and new information emerges, we can revise our expectations of ourselves, others, and the world. Context is constantly shifting. This is why books have more than a 1st edition and software has updates. Feel free to revise your expectations when new situations and information occur that prompt you to look a little closer at your formed expectations. Multiple revisions may occur.
Expectations can be heavy. The unpacking of them just as much. Below I have suggested a few reflection points that you may find helpful to unpack your expectations and, in the process, perhaps, you may gain a deeper understanding of not only yourself, but of others, and even the world.
What are your beliefs?
What are your expectations?
What expectations are you aware of?
What expectations are more subtle?
Take some time to reflect on your experiences and important relationships.
What expectations have come out of those experiences and relationships?
Do any expectations you currently hold come to mind that might need to transform?
Which step or steps does it require?
Which step or steps call out to you? Why?
Can you think of a time where you unknowingly transformed one (or more) of your expectations when a new situation occurred or new information was presented?
How did that turn out for you?