Recently, I started dating again.
It has been an interesting experience.
No, I’m not going to share any harrowing dating stories — they have actually all been relatively pleasant and mature. For this, I’m grateful. It has also made me reflect on how I used to date… and shake my head a little in embarrassment. 🫣
But this time, something is different.
I’ve entered dating as a process of discernment.
Looking at Compatibility Differently
I’m not approaching dating by judging whether the people I meet are ‘good’ or ‘bad’ people.
Instead, I’ve been thinking more about compatibility — and realising that compatibility exists on many levels.
We might be compatible as acquaintances, friends, or something more. We might connect well in certain areas but not in others. Sometimes there is compatibility up to a certain point, but not beyond it.
Compatibility isn’t everything in dating, but it is an important part of the process.
Noticing My Own Patterns
What has been even more important, however, is becoming aware of my own responses and patterns.
I’ve been noticing how I feel when different people message me. Observing my instinctive reactions. And then gently checking whether those reactions are actually accurate.
Have you ever noticed how quickly old patterns can show up when you begin dating again?
At times I’ve realised that I can freak out over small things or make assumptions about someone that aren’t based on reality at all. Often those reactions come not from the present moment, but from my own fears, insecurities, or old relational patterns.
The truth is, we don’t just bring our hopes into dating — we also bring our wounds, our fears, and our learned patterns of relating.
Growth Through Humility
Approaching dating with this level of awareness has been both enlightening and humbling.
I’ve become much more aware of my own flaws and the ways I showed up in past relationships. At the time, I thought I was so right and the other person was so wrong.
In reality, it was rarely that simple — most of the time we were both right in some ways and wrong in others.
Rather than falling into a shame spiral about this, I’ve actually felt a lot of gratitude for my previous relationship and the growth that came from it.
I’m definitely not the same person I was back then.
But that doesn’t mean that traces of that old version of myself don’t still show up from time to time.
The Fruit of Inner Work
Over the past few years I’ve done a lot of my own therapy, self-reflection, repentance, and emotional, physical, and spiritual healing. This work has helped deepen my self-knowledge and uncover unconscious patterns that were previously getting in the way of authentically engaging in relationships.
Although I still haven’t met my person — and at times I can feel discouraged — I know that I am in a much healthier place than I was before.
I feel more open.
More regulated.
More peaceful.
Even amidst the uncertainty.
This is the fruit of doing the inner work.
One of the things I’ve learned both personally and professionally is that self-awareness is often much easier to grow in the presence of someone who can help us gently notice our blind spots. Many of the patterns that affect our relationships operate outside our conscious awareness, which is why having the right support can make such a profound difference.
An Invitation for Those Wanting to Do the Same
This is exactly the type of work I do with my clients through my therapy practice.
If you feel called to do some deeper inner work — to shift old patterns, grow in self-awareness, and connect more authentically with the people in your life — therapy with me may be a good place to start.
You’re welcome to reach out and we can have a chat to see if it might be the right fit for you.
I’m also currently developing a personal development program specifically for single Catholic women.
The aim of this course is to help women grow in emotional maturity, self-knowledge, and faith so that when they enter dating, they do so from a healthy, balanced, and God-centred place.
From that space, we are better able to receive what is truly meant for us and hold firm to our beliefs and standards without feeling isolated.
If this sounds like something you — or someone you know — would benefit from, I’d love to add you to the waitlist to be among the first to hear when the course opens.
If this reflection resonated with you, feel free to share it with a friend who might also find it helpful.