Body image is a big topic in this day and age. I remember from my high school days that it was something we were educated about quite early on. And even though we were given the education, there were still people I knew who suffered from eating disorders. Eating disorders can be of both varieties of eating too little and eating too much. I’ve noticed, particularly for women, our society is focused on us being thin and the danger in this is developing eating disorders such as anorexia nervosa, which is on the extreme end of being too thin. On the opposite end of the spectrum, we also are concerned about the “obesity pandemic” and there is just as much information out there about watching what you eat: cut out sugar, eat less carbs, dairy and gluten, etc. Forget comfort eating and comfort food, too. Both of those carry connotations of being unhealthy for you further adding to the pressure to be thin. No wonder it can be hard for us to distinguish what is best for us. It seems we are either going to sit in two camps: too thin or too big.
I asked a question earlier on in the week about what people think are the biggest influences on our body image. The main response I received was that the media, particularly social media, is a big influence. The person who responded reflected that when she was in high school, about 35 years ago, she doesn’t recall there being any need for schools to have talks about eating disorders and body image issues. Back then, she reflects, there was no social media and the internet was only just coming about. This is not to say there were no eating disorders or body image issues, but it is to highlight that the prevalence was markedly lower than it is today.
There are so many strong influences on our body image. Not just for women, either. Men have their fair share of body image stereotypes to fight again: having big muscles, lean bodies, six packs, definitely no man boobs or beer guts. That’s just as hard for women to compete with as it is for women to fight against our own stereotypes of the “perfect body”. The society and culture we live in, as well as our family, are our biggest influences in our perceptions of the ‘perfect’ or, at the very least, ‘accepted’ body image. Societally it is easy to pinpoint the influence, which we can see in all and any type of advertisement, on social media, in the movies and on tv shows, etc.
The influence of culture and family can be a little more subtle. I come from an ethnic family that puts a lot of emphasis on food. I am from a collectivist culture where food brings family and people together. You will be hard pressed to walk into one of my family members’ homes without being asked if you want something to eat or drink, and you better say ‘yes’ unless you’d like to offend your host! It is a beautiful way of bringing together people but it is a double-edged sword. If someone has put on a little bit of weight, it is noticed and mentioned. I heard “you’ve got to watch what you eat” so many times growing up. In this alone, there’s a subtle push towards eating too much and then criticism for doing that and the pressure to be thinner. And don’t worry, if you’re ‘too thin’ it’ll be mentioned and you’ll never hear the end of “you need to eat more!” This goes back to what I was saying earlier about being torn between two extremes. It seems like we can’t win. Damned if we do and damned if we don’t.
Reflecting on my own experience with body image issues and listening to the stories of others, I can identify the main core emotion as that of shame (the feeling that you are ‘bad’). The underlying need to shame is the need to feel worthy and loved. We feel worthy and loved by knowing we are valued by those we surround ourselves with. Subtly, we have come to understand that our society, culture, and even family values a certain type of body image. So, sometimes consciously other times unconsciously, we begin to focus on our own body image to fit the type that is so revered by others so that we may get our need to feel worthy and loved met.
This drive to obtain the ‘perfect’ body image highlights two core motivations that lead to feelings of shame: control and perfectionism. When we need to exert our control over something it suggests we have a deep need for our own agency, a need to feel empowered. It can also suggest that we might feel like things are out of control in other aspects of our lives and what we turn our focus onto to control can act as a coping mechanism. Perfectionism works to protect us from the hurt and pain of blame, judgement and shame, but only if we look, act, and live perfectly will we be protected. Both of these are heavy burdens and the very thing they are supposed to protect us from and help us cope with they end up leading us to: the pain of shame.
So, how do we deal with shame? The best antidote to shame is self-compassion. Talking to ourselves like we would a friend, acknowledging and identifying what we are feeling, even if it is hard are the beginnings to self-compassion. Once we are able to open up a dialogue with ourselves, a dialogue between the part of us that feels shame and the part of us that feels compassion for our suffering, we become better able to heal ourselves. Self-compassion is not easy. It’s not easy because when we show compassion for others, we come from a place of strength. In order to show compassion to ourselves, we need to come from a place of strength, too, but that is hard when we are also the ones suffering and in pain. This is why it is even more important to work on building a good relationship with ourselves and acknowledging that we have different parts that make up the whole of us. We have a part that feels sad, a part that feels happy, a part that feels shame, a part that feels compassion and so on so forth. When we begin to adopt this perception of ourselves, it aids us in opening up that dialogue we need to be able to show ourselves the self-compassion we need to heal and move forward with our lives in healthier ways.
Our issues with body image go a lot deeper than we might initially have thought. On the surface it is about the external image, the ‘looks’, but deeper than that it speaks of feelings of shame and a deep need to feel worthy, valued, and loved. By understanding our motivations, feelings, and needs surrounding our focus on body image, we can begin to tackle and heal the root of the problem.