Emotion regulation is something that we all do and have done since we could remember. Sometimes we have useful, helpful strategies and other times we don’t. These strategies were often unconsciously learnt when we were very young through co-regulation with our primary caregivers. When we were upset as infants, generally, we were picked up, held, soothed and comforted. As adults, we now know that when we are upset, we need comfort. How we go about expressing that need and getting it met are different stories for another time. Regulating our emotions simply means bringing us down or lifting us up to a more manageable level where we can still make clear and effective decisions. This manageable middle level is referred to as the Window of Tolerance.
The Window of Tolerance is a term coined by Dan Siegel, and if interested, I highly recommend you check his stuff out! At the top level of the Window, we have hyperarousal, which basically refers to emotions that increase our heart rate, make us sweat, raise our temperature, make us feel energised and action-oriented. These emotions can be happy, excitement, fear, anger, panic, anxiety, etc. At the bottom end of the Window, we have hypoarousal (think hypothermia, the cold one). This is where we feel lethargic, a lack of energy and motivation to do anything. Feelings such as sadness, fear, depression, etc live here. The size of our windows differs between person to person and experiences. It is likely that if we have suffered trauma, our windows are a bit smaller, however, this depends entirely upon the person. Trauma is quite an extensive topic and so no one rule fits all, although there are commonalities across the board, each experience and individual are unique. The key, regardless of our size of the Window, is to continue to increase it. This enables us to make clear and effective decisions even when feeling intense emotions at either end of the spectrum. If our Windows remain small, it is likely that we have less capacity to make effective decisions and will often become overwhelmed and deflated quite often and easily.
Within our Window of Tolerance, our emotions still fluctuate from high to low and back again. We use emotion regulation strategies all the time, even and especially when we are within our Window of Tolerance. It is helpful to continue and/or establish strategies that are helpful to bring us down when experiencing more hyperarousal emotions and bring us up when experiencing more hypoarousal emotions, so that when we do hit the extremes and burst out of our Window it is a little easier to implement strategies we know will help.
Strategies that can help us when we are feeling high intense emotions are: mindfulness, diaphragmatic breathing, grounding exercises, self-soothing techniques such as talking to self in a compassionate voice, physically comforting self, taking a bath, playing calming music, and counteracting limiting beliefs with reality checks. Strategies that can help us when we are feeling intense low emotions are: physical movement such as dancing, running, walking, etc, smelling essential oils, eating crunchy and interestingly textured foods, art, and listening to upbeat music. It is useful to play around with these strategies and notice which strategies are most helpful when. This is not to say that when you are in hyper- or hypo-arousal that it will be easy to come out of it, but it does make it easier for you to know what to do that is most helpful for you.
Lastly, as I have mentioned before, it is always, always helpful to pay attention to our emotions and try to understand what information they are giving us. As I have said before, emotions are information that tell us about what needs we have that we need to get met. If we can practise recognising our emotions, usually by taking stock of the bodily sensations we feel when experiencing certain emotions, and label them, we are able to create some distance from the emotion and ourselves. This distance allows us to be able to express the emotion in healthier ways that gives us the best chance of being heard, either by ourselves and/or others. Expression of the emotion can often lead us to regulating it (using one of the strategies mentioned above is a good start), which allows us to bring the emotion to a tolerable level where we can then reflect and identify what the underlying need is and think about how we can go about getting it met.