We hear it often enough that we need to look after ourselves first before we can look after others. Self-care has become a common topic amongst us these days. Mostly because we are so poor at it. I used to get annoyed when people told me I needed to practice self-care. I would roll my eyes and huff, “just another thing to do on my already long ‘to do list’”. I would not think of myself as a priority and if I need to look after myself, I would put me at the bottom of my list. Naturally, this was not sustainable and many stressful, exhausting days turned into weeks and months and culminated into a couple of breakdowns that forced me to take a good hard long look at myself. Upon having a conversation with a dear friend of mine, she illuminated for me the idea that self-care is not an activity (or a chore) but rather a way of life. This intrigued. Upon further personal reflection, I felt that it was an idea that I could get behind.
Self-care is a way of life. It should be as common to us as eating our meals, drinking water, sleeping, etc. All things we do for the benefit of ourselves daily, self-care needs to be one of them. When we make self-care a habit, a way of life, a daily ritual, it will come naturally, habitually, and be more sustainable. But how do we do this and what actually is self-care?
Some people, me included, view self-care as getting pampered: taking a day off, getting a massage, a mani-pedi, getting your hair done, or reading a book, or watching tv all day, or going to the beach, etc. This isn’t wrong, but it’s also not something that can be done every day. Reflecting on what could be done every day for self-care, I came to the conclusion that I would need to consider the four aspects of self: physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. I encourage you to do the same. Below I will share with you some of my daily self-care habits under each of these aspects.
Physical daily self-care – practicing 10 minutes of yoga in the morning or evening to stretch my muscles, bring a sense of calm and presence to my body and mind. If I do it in the morning it helps me prepare for the day and if I do it at night, it helps me unwind and prepare for sleep.
Emotional daily self-care – acknowledge how I am feeling throughout the day and practice self-compassion, especially if I’m feeling angry, sad, hurt, disappointed, etc. For me, this means my self-talk is empathetic, like I would talk to a friend who shared with me these feelings.
Mental daily self-care – knowing and upholding my boundaries. Becoming more aware of my needs has helped me to know when I need to give to myself over others. I do this by saying ‘no’ to others when I need to and following through. This is really hard for me, but it is something that I know I need to do to not feeling mentally drained.
Spiritual daily self-care – praying before I go to sleep. Saying nightly prayers was something I hadn’t done in a good decade or so. It is something that I wanted to reintroduce into my life and I am glad I did. I feel more centred and supported in my life by making time for this spiritual connection to God.
Initially, I did not start with all of these at once. I chose one activity, praying, and focused on doing that solidly for one month. Then I added another and so on. It was a gradual process. Sometimes I fall off the horse. I still haven’t gotten into the habit of doing 10-minute yoga every day. I started and then stopped. Why? The usual barriers to self-care popped up. These barriers are feeling overwhelmed, being busy, committing myself to too many things, belittling the importance of looking after myself. When I notice that I have slipped up, I have found that using self-compassion to be helpful. In this sense, self-compassion means being empathetic to myself. Sitting with myself in the discomfort of knowing I have disappointed myself. Compassion means “to suffer with”, thus, self-compassion means ‘to suffer with the self’. Just as I would sit with a friend who has been disappointed, I try to sit with myself in the same way. It’s not always pleasant, but it does give me the courage to try again the next day and the next and next.
Making self-care and by relation, self-compassion, a way of life is a process, a journey. Like any journey, it’s not always smooth sailing. Like any process, there are always going to be issues that we need to troubleshoot. It’s when we use a compassionate approach to the troubleshooting that allows us to try again another day. It might be slow moving but it is forward moving. I have found no other way that has worked as well. Shaming and guilting myself in the past quickly led to me giving up on any progress or change at all. Compassion, the antidote to shame, had the opposite effect. As the famous Aesop’s fable goes, slow and steady wins the race, and I believe that is definitely true in this case.
Self-care is incredibly individualistic. I encourage you to take some time to reflect on what self-care is for you. Is it something you want to make a part of your daily life? Or is it an activity you want to do every once in a while? What aspects of self are easiest for you to look after? What aspects are harder? What do you need to feel physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually cared for by yourself? How can you do that regularly? Have you started daily self-care without even noticing? What has been the effect on you? What would you like to feel by caring for yourself for more regularly?
I would love to hear your reflections and thoughts. Please feel free to connect with me on social media or email me at steph@movementwithsteph.com.au